But You Have To!

How Perceived Obligations Get in the Way

We tend to get fussy when we think that someone owes us something and then doesn’t come through. We feel cheated, hardly-done-by, perhaps even hurt. Often, though, these kinds of “obligations” are internal; that is, they weren’t agreed to or even discussed with the other person.  We just, well, created them ourselves.

A husband expects his wife to take on certain responsibilities. But she doesn’t. He becomes upset when the “thing,” whatever it is, isn’t done. The problem is, he hasn’t discussed it with her, hasn’t asked her what she thinks. Maybe the “thing” he expects isn’t something she wants to do, or maybe she simply doesn’t see it as something that must be done. Either way, he’s upset, annoyed. Tension builds between them.

What’s the source of his irritation? An internal deal or contract he created, all by himself. How often do we imagine that someone owes us something only to be upset or stressed out when they don’t come through?

The Source of a Lot of Trouble

The truth is, people usually don’t owe us anything (unless you have a contract that all parties involved understand and agree to). Parents don’t owe their children Disney World or a car (new or used) or a particular vacation or set of clothes . . . the list goes on. Parents can give their children those extras, but out of love and grace, not obligation.

The person at the grocery store doesn’t owe us a “cut-in” because we have 2 items and they have 20. They can let us jump ahead out of kindness, but they’re not obliged to do it. Adult children don’t owe their parents a phone call each week, but if the kids choose to call, it’s out of grace (who wants someone to talk to them strictly out of guilt or obligation, anyway).

A Caring and Free Life

We’re not talking about neglecting to love others or living a selfish life. But we are saying that one of the most difficult lessons in character formation is to realize that no one owes us anything.

When we get this, we increase our peace. We don’t get fussy with people or live with inner stress because someone “should have” done this or that for us. Instead, when the kids call or when someone does something nice for us, we realize that they didn’t have to do it–and we’re grateful.  If they don’t do it, that’s OK too. They didn’t owes us to begin with.

Gratitude

A grateful heart is a heart at peace with God, itself, and others.

Can you think of a time when you became angry or upset because someone didn’t come through? Were they really obligated to do what you wanted, or was it something you created in your own mind?

What are your thoughts on obligations?

Thanks for reading.

Wayne

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  1. #1 by Elaine Kluttz on June 17, 2011 - 1:45 pm

    I assure you wives expect husbands to do certain things too. I have learned out of frustration and disappointment my husband can’t always read my mind. He does pretty well most of the time. When I realize I am doing this I just ask him to do whatever, so he at least has a fair chance.
    When I catch myself feeling this way about complete strangers, I try to check myself, and think I should do the things I want others to do for me. It is true when some one does something unexpected it seems more special.

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